What lies beneath...

I am so confused this time of year. I want to be happy and joyous and I try to be but you see I am conflicted. 21 years ago tomorrow, my mom passed away. Yes on Christmas day 1987. And 19 years ago yesterday in 1989 my first husband and my son's father passed away, he wasn't my husband any longer but we still spent time together as a family and I still loved him.

I watched an old video of Christmas 1989 the other night. I saw my adorable little kids opening their presents, Nick was 8 and Lindsey was 3, they were so cute. I saw a smile on my face, but sadness in my eyes. What lies beneath.

I heard Nick ask in a sad little boy voice as he opened a present from his dad, how do you know this is from my dad? Because I wrapped it, my response, with a half smile on my face. What lies beneath.

Still today I say out loud Merry Christmas, and when I do it feels like a stab in my heart. What lies beneath.

I try to put up lights and decorate with Christmas spirit, but just want to scream. What lies beneath.

I want nothing more to bring back that Christmas joy I used to feel this time of year but I am torn. What lies beneath.

My smile feels like a cardboard cutout on a stick, I hold in front of my face. A facade to cover the sadness that overwhelms. Why is it still hard today so many years later… well it will probably always be. I'll dust off the cut out smile on a stick, and hold it up for all to see. I will wish merriment and joy, love and celebration to the world because that IS what I want. That IS really what lies beneath, I just figured it out, OMG I get it now. Tears of joy!!!

Wishing everyone the joy and wonder of Christmas. Thanks, love and blessings to you all.

I have my Swell Sister Laurelin to thank. We have a writing thread on the Swell Sister website where someone writes something and then gives the next word or phrase. Laurelin gave "cardboard cutout" as the next phrase. I have been struggling the past few days and I started to write about my struggle for my blog. Then I read the post with the phrase cardboard cutout and it all made sense to me. I started to write and it brought me a revelation. I thank you Laurelin with my whole heart.

Be well... Tj.